*NOTE as of March 4, 2019- First, as I read back through these posts, I am appalled by my horrendous writing! Second, almost immediately after posting these two years ago, God dropped the gospel on my head like a ton of bricks. When I read these posts today, I see so much cockiness and ignorance. Still, they are good in that they share the incredibly rocky road of life riddled with anxiety, depression, and disordered eating. I know there are so many others struggling with these things, and these posts still express what I want them to express. You are not alone and there is help and hope.
Well the kids both have colds and we are missing church, so what better time to write than this rainy Sunday morning?
I have been wanting to write on this for a while and am never quite able to find the right words without sounding bitter. I am not bitter, although the memories definitely still have quite a sting. But God has taken something bad and made it good, and in that I have great joy. I also do not want to sound conceited although I am pretty sure that some of this will sound that way. Hopefully you will hear my heart!
I am disciplined in my fitness lifestyle, and this is not the only thing that I am disciplined in. I am disciplined in many things actually! I know that people mean it as a compliment when they say to me, “I wish I had your discipline!” But they don’t know what went into its making. I am 34 years old so I will break down my life into tens to discuss the making of said discipline. Part 1 is the first two tens and Part 2 will be the third.
Enjoy! Or don’t! Haha
Discipline Training Part 1
Years 1-10: I was an overweight kid. I did not know that I was overweight until I was told by other kids. See, as a kid, you don’t know how to eat healthy, you don’t know about exercise, you don’t know about calories and overeating and all these things. You just live life. So that’s what I was doing and was soon informed that I was doing it wrong. Also, no one informed me that there were certain ways to do your hair and certain stores you were supposed to shop at for your clothes. I just wore what I was given to wear. If you ask me, there needs to be a list sent out of these things to save many children from the ridicule experienced when they forgo them. Sure, it is a great thing to be yourself but when you are a young girl being judged for none other than exactly that, it tends to sway one’s perspective. Kids can be mean. Obviously those kids were uninformed to not be jerks as I was uninformed to look like everyone else. But there comes a point where judgement and unkind words build and build and build, and then there is a day where the straw breaks the camels back…
Fun fact about the outfit pictured on the left, the shorts matched the top exactly! And the hair style to the right, I like to call The Triangle. 🙂
Years 11-20: I was in 8th grade. This particular year there was another middle school built so some of us went to the new school and some stayed at the old school. I went to the new middle school and my already small group of friends was cut to two girls whom I sat with at lunch everyday (thank you Blair and Rachel). My birthday is December 20th, the last day of school before winter break. Being that it was right before winter break, Blair and Rachel were absent from school to begin the vacation early. I sat in our same spot where we always sat at the lunch table but this day I was alone. This was uncomfortable but fine until a guy with his friends decided that this was a perfect place for them to sit today and asked me to move. I looked around at the table and saw no more empty seats. I didn’t know what to say, I didn’t know where I would sit. He started yelling loudly at me and hurling insults which made the lunch room quiet down to watch him berate me for not moving quickly enough. With everyone watching, the room was spinning, I couldn’t speak or think of what to do. This only made him yell more. Finally, like a beautiful angel, one of the most popular girls in the school came over, shut him down, and saved me. She sat with me the rest of lunch. I didn’t stop crying for the rest of the day and it even makes me cry now just because I remember feeling so helpless in that moment. Of course now looking back, I am able to see that he was just a jerk but in the moment the pain was excruciating. I also know that absolutely no one in that room remembers this day, but it is definitely a birthday I will never forget.
So I went home and did the only logical thing (sarcasm)… I went home to make myself likable. It was the 90’s, so I had mom buy me only “fat free” foods to eat, I started running outside, slapped some make-up on the best I could, and my dad took me to Lord and Taylor to get some new clothes. I had never gotten clothes from a place like that before! I felt fancy for sure. Two weeks later when it was time to return to school, I had lost eight pounds. With my new weight loss, make-up, and clothes, everyone was astonished. Compliments started flowing and people were actually nice to me! I couldn’t believe what a difference it all made.
My eating disorder was born.
I became obsessed with the beautiful girls in magazines. I studied every little inch of them to duplicate for myself. Pretty much all of my time out of school was spent working out, learning about healthy eating, and fixing myself to be presentable to the masses. Aside from the obvious, the thing about using all of your time to perfect yourself means you pretty much have no time for anything or anyONE else. And to be quite honest, I had no interest in being friends with anyone because it left open the opportunity to experience horrific humiliation again and I definitely did not want that.
All was well in my world as a freshman in high school. I was a size 2. I made sure to stay pretty so people were nice to me. I kept to myself so that I was protected from pain. I had complete control over every single thing in my life and it felt amazing. I was not the best student but that was the least of my worries. At least I was not subject to humiliation anymore in the hell world called school. All was well until one day when when my parents caught onto the fact that I had an eating disorder. I couldn’t stay awake for any length of time so my mom took me to the hospital. Mt heart rate was only 33 beats per minute, the rate when someone is sleeping. Mom took me to a councilor and a nutritionist who told me what can happen to people with an eating disorder. I was scared and didn’t want to die so I did what they said, but I had no absolutely zero balance. I only knew how to be fat and skinny! So I ended up swinging to the other end yet again gaining around thirty pounds. I was terrified of school. Terrified. The comments started coming again and I just wanted to die. When I was 16, a lot happened. I got a car, my parents divorced, and I quit school.
After the weight gain, I couldn’t bare the thought of being bullied again. In fact, I wasn’t going to let it happen. Now that I had a car and didn’t have to worry so much about getting into trouble with my parents, I saw a way to escape and took it. Each morning, I drove to school, waited for my mom to get to work, and then went back home. I had no desire to go out and get into trouble, I just wanted to be away from school. Needless to say my already terrible grades went to beyond terrible and of course, after a while the school notified my mom that I had been missing so much school.
But I was not going back. And now, on top of the fear of being bullied, there was no way I was going onto the next grade AND my mom and I now had a terrible relationship. So one morning, soon after the school called my mom, I was sitting in homeroom and made the decision to leave home and Duluth High School to enroll in the School of Hard Knox. And oh, did life get interesting.
To be continued!
It gets so SO much worse! But then it gets so SO much better. 🙂
**Update! The next two parts of the story are finished! Check them out below!