When I became a Beachbody coach back in August 2016, I was then made part of Team Race2serve. I have mentioned my coach Caren on here a few times but I don’t know how often I have mentioned the actual team. I have had a lot of fun being on Team Race2serve and have been extremely surprised at the joy that it has brought to my life being that I am to the core an introvert. I am aware that I do not come across as an introvert, I am the INFJ personality type which means exactly that. I am an introvert that appears to be an extrovert. Anyway, enough about that. I just want to make it clear that joining a team was definitely not in my comfort zone but I am so glad I did! What a blessing it is to be a part of a group of women with the same passions and goals as yourself! Since last August, being a part of Team Race2serve has been nothing but a joy to say the least.
But last night, Team Race2serve was something different.
As you all know, I have two kids.
Anna is 8 months old……….and I suffer from severe postpartum depression.
I experienced it after Ryan was born as well. Day after day I am consumed with horrific thoughts and visions of terrible things happening to the children. I expected that I might experience this again after the last pregnancy but it’s so weird how your mind takes over and while you know what you experienced before you still find yourself yet again paralyzed in fear to the point of being physically ill.
WHY is this not talked about?! It seems like we aren’t afraid to discuss all of the other unpleasantries of postpartum life but this is something that is definitely not discussed as often. I honestly think that those of us who suffer with this are afraid to say anything because one, we have a fear of our thoughts actually coming true, and two, we think people will think that we are crazy! And maybe we are, but if we don’t make it known that this is something that can happen, I can totally understand how some families experience devastating outcomes. When you are constantly in full belief that something devastating is about to happen, you can only take so much!
So last night we had a team call for Beachbody. These past two weeks have been utterly terrifying in my mind. It seems ridiculous to talk about because there are very real and awful things happening all the time and here I am absolutely paralyzed with fear over the “what if”. I knew I didn’t have much to offer to the team call last night but honestly I just wanted to hear the girl’s voices and be in touch with reality for a little while. After Caren was finished with the content for the call, she asked us to share our highs and lows of the week. When my turn came, I couldn’t get any words out without crying and felt like an idiot for even joining the team call. But man, did they just surround me with love. They even prayed for me! Thank God for technology. I went to bed last night with more peace than I have had in a very long time.
I am sharing this for a few reasons. I want other women out there who may not know what they are experiencing to know that postpartum depression is something much more than just some sad feelings after the baby is born. I also want women to know that as much as it seems like they are alone, they are not. When you are experiencing the terrors that seem so real it is hard to imagine that other women would go through the same thing and not say something. But we don’t say anything in fear of sounding like a lunatic! So I am saying something. I also want to share because you can have a very deep love for the Lord and still experience this. After last night’s call, I realized that God gives us a need to be with others. We are not supposed to go it alone. If you are struggling with this and you are like me, you feel the need to isolate. But you have to reach out! You will be so glad you did.
Obviously, I am not over all of this and I will definitely keep you posted on my progress but I had to get this out there for anyone else going through this as well.
You are not alone. And sweet mama, reach out!
Here is a link to the symptoms of postpartum depression/anxiety.
Please check it out if you have had a baby within the past two years and are having a hard time managing your thoughts. That is one thing I didn’t know, PPD can hit even 2 YEARS after having your baby!
I hope this finds you well but if not, I hope it brings you some light.
Have a great weekend everyone!